Yesterday's News

All of it has changed because I love your spunk and couldn't deal with anyone else's.

You'll visit anywhere I'm at and fall asleep on my shoulder.

Thank you, kind sir.

You're the reason I'm less grumpy.

Smooth and sweet

You my everything.

Still want you to be the reason I love that song
And the reason for watching tv in bed
of course, the reason why I'd eat creamy ice cream

Mum & Sons

summer school
Dzim
swimming

Emotion!!!

Reminiscing

Right as I'm about to fall asleep I think of details

the way you would sleepily greet me in the narrow hallway with your colored toothbrush hugging your cheek
the corners of your lips stretched further back as I walked towards you
your loose boxers and pale, freckled skin always drew me in

we would cuddle in the cove, and I had to drag myself from your warmth forty five minutes later. the bed staurated with blankets and you among them teased me each and everytime 

You are sweet and loving and kind
I had no idea how to cherish it all.

Gulp

Poor, poor fool why can't you see
She can love others and still love thee

Shel Silverstein

That songs been on replay for months now :/

Do you love me....do you wanna be my friend?

Uhm yes. Yes to the friend. Pleaseeee

Reverse culture shock:

For days, moments were fleeting. And so,coming home gives me this strange feeling. What if its just weird because somewhere far away is actually home?

dos semanas

woohoo!! nervous but ready to bask in the sun across the world

alphabet practice

helped my mom with the alphabet tonight and it was such a cute, bonding moment. i'm hoping she'll get the translator job :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-)

act my age

because if I don't oh the sticky situations start... "age is just a number," and then boom,

pow!

age is important.

so ill put the ends of my hair in your ear, talk about obscure topics and laugh, laugh, laugh.

pillow talk

when it actually means something
and you care :-)

I AM MISSING:

Several people

A few places

Some feelings

io mangi

Frutta, no fromaggio, no animale.  Liu mangia....

1% woo hoo!

I will get there. I'm grateful for knowing Spanish because it's been such a help with words. Scrivo equals write and in Spanish its the same. Some fruit and certain animals sound similar. I'm too excited!!!!

Elena Rae Carter

You are bright and warm… stop!
Your presence is for the sun.
Don’t go hiding your emotions away
because your laugh bounces and rings
and wraps and cradles
like a pink atmosphere
blinding and cloudy
Your grin is certainly blue
and how beautiful your lips
look thinning before stretching
further back like waves
coming to shore again and again
I found it wonderful
how your hazel eyes connect
with your sculpted nose that connects
with your kind mouth that clicks
with green when you sing
Budding Trees by Nahko
Your voice stretches and pushes
until it holds
Everything you say is honest
You mention how life must be lived:
adventurous and in the moment
so off you went
hitchhiking to Humboldt
to harvest hemp
like the dread
in that wild hair of yours
in canopied forests
barefoot with joy
smiling at the sky

Why then
did we not realize
that you meant it when you said,
"Some see too much beauty in life.
They end life."
 
And grabbed a gun
to end yours

Semester 5

Done with semester five. Woo hoo! I tried and incredibly was able to pass all five classes. What a joy. I can't believe there were all online. Quite the accomplishment, Am. Celebrate in Mexico ;D

How Quickly Your Thoughts Change

in a week
two days
or ten days

you will have
ever changing
thoughts and ideas

it can be
fun
difficult
arbitrary
to keep up
but here i am

trying to keep
my mind at bay
or off- my first
mistake?

Hard to Sleep When the World is Busy

When the world is spinning
meteors melting
balls of gas shining
illuminating
vast, black sky with the
inkling speckles that
shine year after year

Tilting on axis
fiery jets with
autopilot on.
Surreal blue covered

Do you ever just....

04/19 watch a sad romance flick and cry yourself to sleep from the emotions?
04/22 miss your first boyfriend to the point where you just want to ask to hangout?
04/23 sing/yell a love song down Higley Rd and start crying because you miss your beautiful friend?

Bees

We need them.
We depend on them.

Why are people eating their vomit?! WHY. WHY. WHY. Those bees out there, slaving away, need us to stop stealing their food source!! Ugh. Stop it! Just stop wanting to exploit animals. I don't understand.

Interesting life works

You learn a lot about yourself in tough situations, and my break up still "haunts" me more or less. So now, i officially know that you're moving. And it was weird at first because of the not knowing anything about you anymore part. You'll live somewhere and i won't know. Hey, I'm not complaining though. What i learned is that if i truly wanted to be back with you, that would have happened; however, I've narrowed it down. I'm selfish and feel that i should still know what you are up too. What a bad thing to want. Thinking that you are out and about having more fun than when we were together was annoying. That's just the perfect example though!! We never made it a point to actual have special dates with one another. And pillow talk?! That happened once that i can actually remember because it was memorable. It was a nice try all in all... thankfully i helped you with your stupid shit. Which you know what, you lied to me for seven months. Obviously you weren't going to straight out tell me at the beginning but for a while after August 25th, i couldn't trust your behaviors. Were you doppy happy or genuinely happy? I was sweet to you after finding out July 4th too. Iced kisses. And my favorite holiday ruined.

But see, Forth of July's don't have that memory. Its always a new one. Like a house. Your new house. You said a "fresh start" to be made. Interesting how you attach objects with memories. :/

Gosh i could rant

If, for some abstract reason, you read this Bradley Kenneth Sisko, know that Europe was scary and a big change. I never intended to meet a man. And the entire relationship between you and i was just the two of us. I never veered off the path. You were the only man in my life.
That being said, it does not make my actions okay and i would take them back.

Let go, or be dragged.

I was gone for a month

And when i came back, i decided to end it. You  had less than a week with me until i tore us apart, taking pieces of your heart and sanity with me. I think your head and heart have healed now, maybe?

I would not know. It seems like it.

I apologize and wish there was a way to make it better.  Even now.

Water

Getting into hatha yoga makes my heart over joyous. It has been a while, but i want to feel good come June. I can do it :) be the best you possible!!

Hiking
Rock climbing
Yoga
Slack lining
Taking pups to park
Squats!!!
Lunges!!!

1:48am on 04/07

Nope, not friends
Acquaintances! Ha,
yet we once shared
each other's hands,
our beds
our choices.

Reminder,
let go
or be dragged.

1:03 pm on 04/05

Moon dust fell in my eyes
  But you caught every particle
    Just like that
       Sent it flying in all directions
And left, suddenly

If i would have known any better
   I would have disregarded everything
      And ignored your questions since
         We aren't exactly "friends"
Right?

Life in April

Geez! Talk about stress.

Tuscon

Barren desert yet delicious food
Taxidermy, mountains and SR-71
Black night and black in day
A pilot is the life for me,
If i were Swiss and 83

As If I Write About You

elena, 

you didnt have to pull the trigger. 
you could have dialed your mom
your sisters, anyone. you could have dialed
and hung up or dialed
and said hello.
hello, i have depressiondepression.
black, gray and even 
darker are the thoughts I keep. 

You chose 
to flood us with endless whatifs 
whatifs 
whatif she wasnt all there. 
whatif she didnt realize it. 
whatif she was tired of living. 

but 
now 
whatifs change. and 
i ask myself whatif 
whatif
whatif i would have talked to her 
and
whatif she would have told me 
whatif it would have helped

fuck you, elena. whatifs dont bring you back

Hey QT

I think about you everyday. I wish things could have happened differently. Why didn't i ask you where you were that week? We could have met up in California, little bird. I am missing you and notice you all around. It isn't fair to have you gone. And i wish we would have taken more pictures together. I figured out why i couldn't find some of just you and i though- whenever with you, i was undeniably in the moment. My absolute favorite memory was when we were swimming in the river together instead of staying on the tube. They moved so!slow anyways! The water was remarkably refreshing, we swam past fishes brushing up on our legs by accident and scared our friends because we seemed like the counter-culture girls. Ah, you took out the wild side in me. I knew it too.

I want you back. I would tell you how much you mean to me and everyone else around you. Why couldnt you talk to someone or come home? :(

Elena Carter

Elena Carter

 

You are bright and warm-stop!
That is for the sun. Don’t go
stealing that away.
Your laugh bounces and rings
and wraps and cradles
like a remarkably pink atmosphere,
blinding and cloudy,
perfumed and wrapped like a pretty bow.
Your grin is certainly blue. How beautiful your lips
look thinning before stretching back and back
until showing your pearly whites.
Like waves coming to shore again and again.
I found it wonderful how your eyes connect
with your nose that connects
with your smiley mouth that clicks with green
when you sing Rainbowarriors by CocoRosie.
You should do that more often.
Because your voice stretches and pushes
until it holds. Everything you say is honest. 
So why then did we not realize
that you meant it when you said,
"Some see too much beauty in life
they end life,"

 

and grabbed a gun
to end yours. 

 

Character poem

Elena Carter

 

You are bright and warm-stop!
That is for the sun. Don’t go
stealing that away.
Your laugh bounces and rings
and wraps and cradles.
It's remarkably pink.
Your atmosphere is blinding and cloudy.
Perfumed and wrapped like a pretty bow.
Your grin is certainly blue. How beautiful your lips
look thinning before stretching back and back
until showing your pearly whites.
Like waves coming to shore again and again.
I found it wonderful how your eyes connect
with your nose that connects
with your mouth that clicks with green
when you sing Budding Trees by Nahko.
You should do that more often.
Because your voice stretches and pushes
until it holds. Everything you say is honest. 
So why then did we not realize
that you meant it when you said,
Some see too much beauty in life
they end life.

 

And grabbed a gun to end yours.

 

carterelena

I cannot get you out of my head.

Do you dream of me ?

so a couple nights ago i woke up from a nap. i had a very interesting dream that I was somewhere snowy. For some reason I figured it was Norway. i got on to this round boat like aircraft. it was strange- Brenda, was there and so was Ronaldo, Amy and dad. brenda had heels on so she wasn't allowed to step on the aircraft because she could have punctured it. we were taken somewhere and we got to look at the landscape and the towns and there was a giant bridge. we saw the tiny people like ants crawling to and fro. then we came back and boarded somewhere. and then a lady dressed in white came out and tells us, "now you get to choose," as we are presented with four syringes and we are told to choose one..... we're not told what they are. i chose. and she tells me i chose love. as to what the others were.. well, i only remembered one in my dream. happiness. and the last two I didn't pay attention to. in my dream I started laughing hysterically like a maniac. i yelled, "love? i chose love? for happiness!?" and I woke up suddenly. were we going to only feel love if we chose love? to what extent? and when I chose love does that mean I'm not happy or that happiness does not exist within my capability of love?

strange dreamin'

trigger point

treating myself to a massage every two weeks starting today, February 13th.

Dan Siego

We're coming for you👣

Real subject poem

There's the story of me sitting in the grass in the dark
five thousand four-hundred ninety-five miles east
wondering what we would want in this moment
if we were thousands of miles closer
a peche lambic, s'il vous plait- in broken French
our thick accents cause curiosity,
lighthearted laughter, genuine kisses
a Belgian boy and an American girl
five thousand four-hundred ninety-five miles
our orbits collided like that of meteors.

Place poem

Königswinter

On top of the hill
engulfed by sycamore maples
sits Schloss Drachenburg 
Pale blue spires, mahogany bricks
and flourishing trimmed lawns

All like an icicle it seemed,
so tapering and cold
The rigid rain spit softly at us
as we found refuge
at a hole in the wall diner

Kaffe bitte, in shivering German 
as the raindrops trickled down the stained glass
like tears of a travelor
leaving their foreign land behind

Your cobbled streets
prosperous pear trees
and doors that push, not pull
is what I adore
of that German town on the Rhine

2-04 line break poem

Perhaps I am somewhere
patient somehow- kind
Perhaps in a nook of a cousin universe
I've never defiled
Or betrayed anyone

Here
I have two hands
the hollow of your back to rest
my cheek against your voice
my assiduous fears to cherish

red, yellow, green

Green light
go, go, go, go -------

First poem - after

In Gilbert the silos shimmer during dusk,
cottontails bounce quietly at the riparian.
The Four Peaks protruded amid the Mazatzal Mountains.
They look like dazzling diamonds in sunshine.
It reminds me of the jewels at Versailles
encased all around the palace.
Sapphires, pearls, red rubies like drops of blood
that could not go unseen.
But in Gilbert fields are fading out
and sunsets are fiery.

6 months

well, its been 6 months since we broke up
and it seems like yesterday i was still holding your hand.

Serial

Hey at the book store where we went to next to Best Buy where Jay saw Adnan before he murdered Hae Min. Do they buy books there too? Like school texts?

jon's wise words

No that's fine
Cause you spent a long time with him
Thats why i feel sad for you
Because you cant remove that feeling
But think about it
He's super conservative
Not spiritual
Not open minded
Better it end on better terms like this
Than you two hating the fuck out of each other

lavender & peppermint

i still dislike baths

01-26 final

In Gilbert the silos shimmer during dusk,

cottontail bunnies bounce quietly at the Riparian.

The Four Peaks protrude amid the Mazatzal Mountains.

Their peaks look like dazzling diamonds in sunshine. 

It reminds me of the jewels at Versailles 

encased all around the palace. 

Sapphires, pearls, red rubies like drops of blood

that could not go unseen.

But in Gilbert fields are fading out

and sunsets are fiery. 

Just a slip

I finally let loose while you kept a watchful eye on me.
And then you accidentally tell me you love me.
I was way too drunk to respond, so i guess i fell asleep.

Im Gonna Be

I found our Anthem :')

Ifs are cruel

If i could-
If i could-
If i could-

Ugh damn it!

···········

I have a lot on my mind. Usually youre in the mix.
I'm taking a creative writing course this semester... Why? Because i want to write about you.

If i can't get you out of my head putting "you" on paper might help.

Weirdly enough

I get guilty thinking about you and i a lot. The weird part is: i did not know i liked you as much as my head makes me realize.

I thought that we weren't working out before i left because i didn't feel that lovey-dovey feeling anymore. That was me not knowing a single thing about relationships which is now something i can learn from.

It was incredibly stupid to lose your trust. If i could go back to July i would change what i did. I would have learned about relationships in my body, mind and spirit class. Perhaps that would have helped us?

You miss what you can't have. I miss your parents and Satchmo, your room and bed. That white fleece blanket that had two different sides. Your kitchen, us making Greek salads and that pecan flour cake.

---uhh

King size bedz

I want a king size bed!
And I'll roll around until I've gone from one side to the other. Then I'll get comfortable. I'll sleep.
I'll have lots of sheets.  Probably two pillows though.
Pillows waste time, man! I want to jump in bed not have to throw pillow after pillow off onto the floor.
Someone buy me a king size bed  

Rain II

The drops fall groups at a time.
The noise is lovely. Absolutely meditative.
Why can i not remember clearly now? I want to, damn it!

Rain

I can hear the rain outside my room
Did we ever dance in the rain? We sure did kiss in it.

Wrapped in blankets

Those blankets aren't yours :(