WHY DOES IT HURT TO BE ALONE?

ive often wondered what youre up to when i know that youre busy, living your life. i just laughed.. jeez, why am i getting obsessed over you?
i seem to think you forget entirely about me, then you go and tell me that you love me. that i should remember that. Im going to remember that each and everytime I freak out. you still want me in your life and i want you in mine. let's keep it that way.

when did i become dependent on you?? and when did we get so serious? was it spending the night with each other all the time? I just... god damn it. i like you and somehow have given a lot of myself and my time to you subtly. now im aching when im not with you. Goodness gracious, get a fucking grip emily (as im typing this and chuckle.) stop it. just. stop. overreacting.


Who am I when I'm not his? What are my favorite things to do? What makes me feel good about myself? What is my purpose? What are my goals? Where would I like to see myself in a year?

Im emily. a girl with the ability to shine. a girl with the power to be alone.. it'll take time. i know i can do it though. My favorite things to do is my morning and night routine, i also love a great session of watching tv in bed. and if given the option, to cuddle while watching tv. i love reading in bed, i love riding my bike out in the open, i enjoy a hot, sweaty yoga class, i love washing my hair with the organigrow products, i love being with a good group of friends. I love being with kea. it seems that we talk a lot about such good topics. It's "grown up" stuff and i really enjoy that a lot. what makes me feel good about myself is having the option to make my own decisions and the creativity with that. i thought about the decision making that we all have to do. you grow up with someone telling you how to live your life but then, suddenly, the way you live your life is up to you. I have a few goals in mind especially with winter here: learn how to do a forearm stand. Where would i like to see myself in a year? I would like to be in a happy relationship with myself and people who matter to me especially with my mom. I also hope to have some more schooling under my belt, a job i enjoy and friends by my side to always support me. 


"You will create time and space for yourself--time and space that is nobody's but yours. You will enjoy the silence that you surround yourself with and collect your thoughts and be certain of your decisions. You will understand why you acted in ways you could not understand before. You will feel comfortable in your own skin, maybe even for the first time in your life. You will be able to communicate with others better because you are confident. You know what you believe in and no one can take that from you."

if you want to go deeper into your self-care routine, you can apply pressure to your marma points. Each point correlates with a particular physical and mental aspect of your mind and body. These points help us balance our energy, lymphatic, nervous, and circulatory systems.

With the following list to guide you, use your middle fingers and apply a moderate amount of pressure to each point for 30­–60 seconds.

1. The center of the chin (reproductive region)
2. The corners of the mouth (metabolism)
3. Between the nose and upper lip (cerebral circulation)
4. The outer corners of the nose (sinuses)
5. The center of cheekbones (lungs)
6. Lower lids, just above the cheekbones (adrenals)
7. The junction between the eyebrows and nose, on the lower part of the eyebrow ridge (liver/spleen)
8. The temples (stress headaches and colon)
9. Third eye or sixth chakra (the middle of the forehead, slightly higher than where the eyebrows meet)
10. Crown of the head or crown chakra (place hands on crown of head and massage with your finger pads)

End of July Introspection

What would I do differently if I knew nobody would judge me? I would do a lot more drinking and exploring with my sexuality. Also, I would (if I weren't my worst critic) sleep with people I enjoyed and see how I could cope with it afterwards. If I ever got to the point where I could be intimate with a person and not over-analyze the experience...that would be a day I stopped judging myself. I would also be as goofy as I am with everyone. I dont mind keeping that side of me in the shadow though. 

Do I treat myself with the love and respect I truly deserve? I definitely try and treat myself with love and respect. I have self-care rituals, I enjoy eating healthy and pride myself in doing what I want to do. I love myself. I respect myself. I am also beginning to forgive myself and enjoy the moment. 

How does your wildest dream life look like? I live in the PNW, a house surrounded by trees and two mountain dogs- huskies, kangal shepherds, saint bernards, great danes; any breed that is captivating in height and beauty. I have a mountain man, or a man who loves the mountains, the forest, life. I am working a job that gives me satisfaction although in my wildest dreams I would have my own business. An all natural salon with massage included. Life would be simple and spontaneous, magical and vulnerable. 

Do you love yourself enough to forgive yourself? Apparently I have been struggling with this. I didn't realize how tough it can actually be to forgive yourself.  Will it be a feeling of bliss when I do finally forgive myself? I mean, I haven't forgiven myself for events that happened years ago. It's awful. Almost all of these experiences have a man involved. Ryce Miller, Daniel, Brad, Ian, Noel, leaving to Garmsich, not being there for dad or mom during their cancer stint. If I didn't feel the judgement from others and myself, could those moments of guilt or sadness slip away where memories fade? Would I feel my bliss? Im going to be taking today's total lunar eclipse into account and forgive myself for all the guilt I have. 

Do you love yourself enough to forgive others? Absolutely. Not forgiving others is bad juju. A waste of good energy. I do enjoy a lovely three part apology though. No half-fasting it. You apologize for what happened. You then state how it must of felt for them and how it won't happen again. Then at that point it is up to myself to allow forgiveness to flow through. 

Do you love yourself enough to nourish your body with life-affirming nutrient-rich food (the way nature intended), or do you feed yourself processed non-foods like sugar, white bread, etc.? Yes! 150% yes!! I try and eat less salt and more nutrient-dense food. Josh has helped me with that when I choose something and it's not nutritious at all. I love fruit and veggies; I always have. I notice though that mono-meals are what I enjoy most. Don't get me wrong, mixed fruit or veggies are delicious, yet I prefer tasting one throughout my meal. Something I have noticed is how I feel after eating rich nutrient food. This morning I woke up quickly without being tired. It was lovely! The meal I ate last night was my take of pioneer food. The sweet potato was amazing with chili paste. It works wonders. 

Do you love yourself enough to feed your soul with whatever your heart intends? Recently, yes. After my break up I felt a release of doubt and fear. My heart was guiding me in Noel's direction because I did not want to have the sadness of ending the relationship. I also didnt want Noel to feel horrible. My head, FINALLY, won over with logic. Now, my heart guides me. I enjoy that more because of the comfort I feel. 

 

Answered Questions from months ago to now, July 26th.

How do I respond when I don't get what I want? 

It's quite interesting trying to figure this answer out because often times I will eventually get what I want. With material items, I tend to make it to where I save up for what I want. I have wishlists and end up getting the items even if it takes a while. 

July 26th- Josh often asks me what I want. I have noticed that this can be a simple question or a difficult one depending on my mood. In recent weeks, when I dont get what I want I can get a little grumpy, or, like last night at Irish Pub, I got much quieter, stiffer and flat out less enjoyable. I wanted to go home and I started to realize we weren't leaving yet or soon, so I sat back and felt this uncomfortable mood linger in me. It was interesting because i have been feeling all my emotions as of recent. I remember thinking last night that at one point we would be leaving, and that I would be able to sleep soon. When we left it was much nicer and my mood elevated. I did eventually get what I wanted. Something I just thought is that usually I DO end up getting what I want. One day it wont be that way and I know i get frustrated or sad. Mostly frustrated. 

How do I deal with negative people? 

Do I even? As of lately I have been avoiding social situations which helps me stay away from negative people and positive people. Strange how we can define a person that way- negative or positive. As if it were black and white. Situations recently could very well have people deem me as negative... hm. I definitely noticed my change in character; however, the feelings are flooding without me being able to control them. My stomach feels weird at times as well. I do remember asking Bridget why she didnt like something or if she was angry about something when she was being incredibly negative. It almost snapped her back into the "now" and made her realize that she was indeed being negative. I guess it's tough, no one wants to be told theyre negative... 

How much self-control do I have with things that I know are bad for me, but tend to indulge in? 

I HAVE NO SELF-CONTROL. I need to make the change. Eating when I shouldnt is a major problem I deal horribly with. Saving money. Budgeting and staying within the budget. OKAY, here it is, deciding on having self-control! 

July 26th- Ah self-control. Still haven't found a balance to that; however, I have practiced intermittent fasting for some time and enjoy it a lot. I am wanting to cook more 'pioneer food' if not with Josh so that I can save money like I did back in April. Sex is an indulgence Josh and I are really enjoying. From the get go I have seen a more responsible approach to our intimacy, yet this morning after telling me no he pulled my leggings off and yeah. It was phenomenal. An indulgence I have been enjoying is finishing in a different way than I am used too. There was a night where I was on the yoga mat and Josh was down-under. Slowly and sultry he was asking me questions about masterbation and sex and when I cum. The conversation was an eye-opener; he brought up the fact that if i tell myself I wont cum then I won't. If i try then I possibly can. And that if I have a specific way of finishing it will mostly only happen that way. So from that conversation on- which I still think about- I have finished when the senses were heightened enough. Sometimes I have sex just to have sex and holy crap, it is incredibly liberating. I enjoy those experiences as much as I enjoy sex when I do finish.That talk was a fantastic way to think about sex in general, finishing and completely enjoying the intimate moment with Josh. Plus, i'm not just over-indulging by finishing. Wow, I just realized I totally need another post entirely to our intimacy because we use our eyes a lot during sex. It leaves us speechless. 

How do I deal with inconvenient life situations? 

Inconvenient situations throw me off a lot of the times, yet I usually find that it wasn't inconvenient at all.  Timing is everything. Sometimes timing just works in an 'inconvenient' way.