I can't even believe this. In a little more than seven months I'll be in Belgium. I want to shout out my mom for having me, my dad for helping that happen and me for actually going through with something I've wanted to do ever since Lesley went off to Europe at the ripe age of 16.
Belgium, France, Luxembourg, Germany and last but not least, Netherlands. What a trip!!!!!
For I dipped into the future, far as human eye could see,
Saw the Vision of the world, and all the wonder that would be.
Lord Tennyson
It doesn’t matter how much begging or pleading we’re tempted to do; the sanest thing to do when watching a friend relapse is to try to gently disengage from your feelings about the matter. But unless it directly threatens your own sobriety, being a good friend means being there for your relapsing buddies—even if it’s just to listen—during their weakest times.
what happened, my love?
I want to sit in front of you on the couch; my legs "crisscrossed apple sauce," and you'll patiently ask my what's wrong. except nothings wrong. ill tell you that and you'll say something. then you'll scoot next to me. ill tell you to stop because I just want to look at you. I want to look over your body and your face, your hands and your hair and I want to count the freckles on your face- although thats very unlikely- and the freckles on your hands. oh, I like your hands. and your eyes! with that soft grey ring around the iris.
I just want to admire you.
ellie, you my everything is totally speaking to me. Except I didn't get ditched by somebody that I love. I get to cuddle with him and kiss him and tell him whatever I feel like. he gets to do the same.
I have never liked someone the way I like YOU.
i brought up love and how the definition changes for everyone...sometime later you told me you were falling in love with me. thankfully the lights were off because the corner of my eyes were beginning to become damp. we observed silence for a few seconds as i hugged you tightly. I have you the beat, no more flat line.
every girl should receive messages like this one once in a while! lucky for me I get them all the time :)
"I love it so much too! Thanks for having me over and sleep well tonight emily :) you being my girlfriend makes me feel very special. sweet dreams"
*sigh* I'm a lucky girl
my dogs make me happy. theyre innocent and full of energy like this lil chump- excessively hyper. its adorable <3
my boyfriend's name is Brad
short for Bradley
im in like with him
the fact that he's a gentleman after having liked a few "bad boys" is great
it feels surreal to mutually like someone
I'm dreaming
we arent "official," but we both know how we feel about each other. I miss you! not being to talk to you kinda sucks and not being able to see you is a whole lot worse. I just want to hold your hand, play with your hair, look at those emerald eyes of yours. *sigh* four more days. four more fucking days.
it's been four days of floating around feeling blue, yellow, green
blue because a funeral is in a couple of days
yellow because it's mellow up in the mountains
green because I'm surrounded with such beauty
it's been four days of floating around
We got to El Paso Monday evening
My grandma died Tuesday morning
It's Friday and I've been in the mountains ever since
Monday at 10:30 will be my grandmother's service
I'm nervous... I haven't cried even as I stood inches away from her lifeless body.
oh hell yeah.
I went over
you cooked dinner
we watched a movie
cuddled
you drove me home
it was raining
we didnt kiss.
To be entirely honest, I'm happy for my self-control. round of applause for Em.
I want you for all the wrong reasons. I want to have fun and turn off my emotions. that's not even possible. I want you for the physical attentiveness too. your hands and your hair and your height.
we had some cute moments. right before our first kiss we were tickling each other. when id sit on there couch with you I'd slip my cold hands into your warm ones. you wouldnt kiss me without making it difficult so of course I would tickle you. how many times did you curl up into a ball? I struggled to kiss you and that was the point. seven outta ten.
It's almost March.... bet you dont know that, but you dont care at all so it's, "like whatever." damn it, my hands are cold and yours are warm all the time. would be nice to have yours wrapped in mine.
SCRUBBY SCRUB, I MISS YOU.
i miss you more than I thought I would. people assume I'm over you for obvious reasons, yet im reminded of "us" constantly. the trees at a park, my camera, freckles, the color gray, a fence. yeah, I can see these things and I'm reminded.
how many years has it been since we've last hung out? your room was always a mess which meant I'd have to wait outside in the den until all your dirty clothes were in the hamper. youd even organize all your baseball caps on your wall. you had such wonderful style- babe. we were suppose to watch a movie once, but it was way too confusing. kissing was a lot more entertaining. we used to kiss.
i wish we would have worked. being with you was always my favorite especially after school. talking about nothing important because having you next to me was important enough. you enjoyed cuddling too, so i was hooked. then you got that white Ford truck. such a classic. you picked me up once and we started talking from where we left off. your driving was wonderful; it wasn't teenage boy crazy like the usual. it was safe. it was a Friday..now I remember! you wore those fancy jeans, a baseball cap, a white t-shirt. when you drove me back home you still smelt amazing even after an entire day of being busy...how?
you wanted me to be a priority when you came back from Boston that one week during summer. fuck, i should have leaped at the opportunity. it's the worst being reminded of you because you wanted me at one point. me! i blew you off. I wish I could take that might back- I dont think you understand the desire. Id kiss you in the pool. wrap my arms around you. say, yes! yes ill be your girlfriend.
maybe I wouldnt be here writing about you or maybe I would? you would still have moved far away, out of reach.
you said, I don't live in Arizona anymore.
oh.
it makes me sad to know that there are teenagers out there whose lives are fucked up beyond belief. they believe that suicide will be simple and help solve their problems. running away doesn't help either...they dwell on the past- their mistakes. they should be focused on the future with a postive outlook. shit happens, let it go and start living a healthy, influential life.
ill miss you and your craziness.
you make sounds I can't hear,
and you smell like burnt wood.
resistance- you know what that means?
it's February, not November.
go ahead, caress my jaw.
I like it anyways.
that sheet's too thin
as well as your emotions.
i'll return you the favor.
shut up, you're a virgin,
and you don't drive.
don't waste time and effort on something you know will be temporary. dont remind yourself how fun it can be- you can have fun with someone who truly wants and enjoys you.
literally deleted you out of my life, wooo. this revelation hit me. you werent even worth my time or effort. I hope if I come across a boy like you again (praying that I dont, you suck) that I remember how you made me feel: anxious, depressed, and sooo unhappy. yeah, we had fun because we were so comfortable with eachother but that's it. I FEEL SO CONTENT, IT'S AMAZING. i cant even express it.
"I'm cold as a glacier, I slowly maneuver" so in love with their beats, vernacular and termk's face.
"Vincent Van Gogh used to eat yellow paint because he thought it would get the happiness inside him. Many people thought he was mad and stupid for doing so because the paint was toxic, never mind that it was obvious that eating paint couldn’t possibly have any direct correlation to one’s happiness, but I never saw that. If you were so unhappy that even the maddest ideas could possibly work, like painting the walls of your internal organs yellow, than you are going to do it. It’s really no different than falling in love or taking drugs. There is a greater risk of getting your heart broken or overdosing, but people still do it everyday because there was always that chance it could make things better. Everyone has their yellow paint."
,lriG
.won yppah ma I .dnim lufituaeb ruoy dna uoy evol I .taht dedeen yllaer I ;noitcerid etisoppo eht ni efil ym gninrut rof hcum os uoy knaht …hguoht uoy tem I erofeb elbaresim saw I .sdrawkcab tlef gnihtyreve erehw tniop eht ot snoitome ym pu dexim yletelpmoc uoy ,efil ym deretne tsrif uoy nehW
yoB
the fire's sparks
slowly illuminate you
your pale skin glows red
you wake up gloomy
the memories resurface
blue suits you well
forgetting is key
blurred faces rush on by your
colorless world
just breathe just breathe just breathe just breathe just breathe just breathe just breathe just breathe just breathe just breathe just breathe just breathe just breathe just breathe just breathe just breathe just breathe just breathe just breathe just breathe just breathe just breathe just breathe just breathe just breathe just breathe just breathe just breathe just breathe just breathe just breathe just breathe just breathe just breathe just breathe just breathe just breathe just breathe just breathe just breathe just breathe just breathe just breathe just breathe just breathe just breathe just breathe just breathe just breathe just breathe just breathe just breathe just breathe just breathe just breathe just breathe just breathe just breathe just breathe just breathe just breathe just breathe just breathe just breathe just breathe just breathe just breathe just breathe just breathe just breathe just breathe just breathe just breathe just breathe just breathe
currently obsessed
running
frank sinatra's It Was A Very Good Year
bike rides
active wear, for obvious reasons
poetry
irritating my mother, lawlz
no religion
matcha green tea, mmmm
making casper jokes
fwb
iowa
procrastination
bachata
being happy
hiking, getting into it
laughing
life- it's getting to me. why can't time stop for an entire week but let life keep going so we can all catch up with things that we need to do?
ironically I said goodbye. content and on my way. i have learned to not look back at my past but then he shows up. asking me questions, telling me about what I've missed. it was comforting.
i know when things aren't good for me, but I want them anyways. i can make it work, watch me. having a perfectly messy life is alright in my mind. im young and so dam comfortable with people. ill be fine. calling things off sometimes gives you such relief and sometimes it can cause this unbalance. im happy to say the least. i did it. i dont even need it anymore. the toxic is already exiting, slowly...slowly. who wants a scrub anyways? smart is sexy. it was all easier than I thought. congratse em. round of applause.
everything in our lives will be completely altered by the next ten years. it's inevitable yet exciting. new people. new science and technology. new wars whether it's between countries or ourselves. remind the people you love how much you appreciate them. how they can change your frown into a smile. you could easily lose them between now and the next ten years. become aware of the new technology that is being created. imagine all the crazy innovative ideas that have surfaced from the beginning of the decade and how quickly ideas transpire. it's scary just thinking about it. control your temper. don't get angry over itty bitty events that can easily be looked over. will it matter in ten years? travel the world because in ten years the increased population could slowly move into inhabited places. check them out now- as many as you can. take your friends and family along. get creative. make memories that no matter how hard you try you won't be able to forget.
see you in ten years.
I'm sure there's a ghost haunting me, telling me things, polluting my mind,
taking my spirit a little at a time,
making me guilty, calling me names,
wanting my friends, wanting my life.
...senior year second semester is full of anxiety and fun
...boys should care more
...parents should save their breath instead of rant on about the small things
...think twice about what you say- it really could save you the embarrassment
...grades are a waste of time
...taking pictures of people is awkward
...getting pictures taken by someone is twice as awkward
...revisiting the past pollutes the mind
...going to the gym is relaxing
...being able to talk to the person who understands the most is such a comfortable feeling
...im social enough to have friends- that's it
...running is one of my favorite hobbies; all I do is pretend there's a monster chasing me and take off
...people need to be a lot more patient and understanding
...I worry too much
...music is life
...high school is a huge joke
...my sister will never understand what falling for the wrong person means
...in twenty years I will have a completely different life and outlook on society
...nau will be a great adventure
I have the hardest time keeping my emotions under control. Sometimes I feel so lonely even when i have the right people next to me. I find myself happy most of the time. Then I recognize the sadness, guilt, anxiety. I don't express it all to someone..bottle it in for when the time is right.
Think happy. Smile. Be happy.
Don't take life too seriously.
Stop.
Im done.
Just have fun.
I think these thoughts repeatedly. Over and over, day after day. "think happy, be happy." Okay im happy. I'm smiling. It's working. But what the hell am i suppose to do afterwards. Once i fuck up? Oh right, "don't take life too seriously Emily," and once i do- because im always over thinking- i start carving "stop," in my heart. I whisper "im done," but I'm young, and I just want to have fun. So the loneliness is filled with warm hands and a goofy attitude. Just have fun Emily.
Currently interested in:
-dancing
-folk music
-anatomical hearts
- naps
-ceramics
-a tall boy in my clay class
-relay
-punk music...
-yj
-happy attitude
-making friends
-expressing myself
-running
-Steve Miller Band
-tea
Bob..you're totally speaking to my soul right now. "Say something... say something...."
C'mon, just fucking speak. Emotions are given to everyone for a reason. Express them. Who cares if you're a boy....just say something....
Resolutions for the year:
- sleep harder not longer
-smile whenever possible
-enjoy the little things
-take a risk every single day
