lust is not love

just over here trying to figure out why i do dumb shit that i get upset over

but not normal upset: is that a thing?


depressed, crying, panic attack upset
flittering  thoughts of absence

i hurt my own feelings over and over

I AM

I am a perfect expanding being

I am love

I am happiness

I am proud

I am confident

I am joy

I am love

I am kindness

I am happy

Love is love

what i want:

figure out why I have patterns that dont align with who i am. cheating is a great example. it seems that i check out of the relationship; however, I dont actually take initiative and break up.

08.18.18

The feeling I am reaching for tonight is one that is similar to sleep. I am a sleepy girl. That Weiss beer was some heavy shit...I actually enjoyed it. The theater that Josh and I pass often was open so we decided to go in and watch two of the "movements". The fun thing was our walk afterwards. We went to his place for a bit except left, luckily, after making out and hiding from him. Heheh. Yeah, walked. Ate some blackberries and window shopped. Talked. :) I really enjoy my time spent with Josh. One thing he mentioned tonight was, "What if this is just how we are all the time?" and YES! I have to agree! Yes! Yes! Yes! I think of that all the time. No honeymoon phase because that;s how I feel we are with eachother. <3 <3 Just the way we are! I understand that might be a naive way of looking at our relationship; however, we seem to talk through any problems and enjoy it all. Feel it all. Everything is usually taken care of. One reality is not worrying about Josh's worries. The reason totally has to do with "taking care of your own shit." Mastery of Love, stuff.

July 24th 2018; what am i in your universe?

Youre a fiery comet bouncing around. Am I always or subconsciously thinking about us being fleeting? If i were to think about it, you are a planet- a tropical, lush planet. Green, flowers blooming everywhere. 

i needed this right now ~

"You will create time and space for yourself--time and space that is nobody's but yours. You will enjoy the silence that you surround yourself with and collect your thoughts and be certain of your decisions. You will understand why you acted in ways you could not understand before. You will feel comfortable in your own skin, maybe even for the first time in your life. You will be able to communicate with others better because you are confident. You know what you believe in and no one can take that from you."

WHY DOES IT HURT TO BE ALONE?

ive often wondered what youre up to when i know that youre busy, living your life. i just laughed.. jeez, why am i getting obsessed over you?
i seem to think you forget entirely about me, then you go and tell me that you love me. that i should remember that. Im going to remember that each and everytime I freak out. you still want me in your life and i want you in mine. let's keep it that way.

when did i become dependent on you?? and when did we get so serious? was it spending the night with each other all the time? I just... god damn it. i like you and somehow have given a lot of myself and my time to you subtly. now im aching when im not with you. Goodness gracious, get a fucking grip emily (as im typing this and chuckle.) stop it. just. stop. overreacting.


Who am I when I'm not his? What are my favorite things to do? What makes me feel good about myself? What is my purpose? What are my goals? Where would I like to see myself in a year?

Im emily. a girl with the ability to shine. a girl with the power to be alone.. it'll take time. i know i can do it though. My favorite things to do is my morning and night routine, i also love a great session of watching tv in bed. and if given the option, to cuddle while watching tv. i love reading in bed, i love riding my bike out in the open, i enjoy a hot, sweaty yoga class, i love washing my hair with the organigrow products, i love being with a good group of friends. I love being with kea. it seems that we talk a lot about such good topics. It's "grown up" stuff and i really enjoy that a lot. what makes me feel good about myself is having the option to make my own decisions and the creativity with that. i thought about the decision making that we all have to do. you grow up with someone telling you how to live your life but then, suddenly, the way you live your life is up to you. I have a few goals in mind especially with winter here: learn how to do a forearm stand. Where would i like to see myself in a year? I would like to be in a happy relationship with myself and people who matter to me especially with my mom. I also hope to have some more schooling under my belt, a job i enjoy and friends by my side to always support me. 


"You will create time and space for yourself--time and space that is nobody's but yours. You will enjoy the silence that you surround yourself with and collect your thoughts and be certain of your decisions. You will understand why you acted in ways you could not understand before. You will feel comfortable in your own skin, maybe even for the first time in your life. You will be able to communicate with others better because you are confident. You know what you believe in and no one can take that from you."